Agatha Sayers best selling novel becomes her worst nightmare when her daughter is abducted in a copycat scenario tangled with an obsessive assistant intent on stealing her identity.

Dee and Dawn are two dim-witted, pink-clad, blond ladies whom meet by accident and try to make a living with their dull lives, until a series of circumstances ensue when after they unwittingly take jobs at a local strip club, they are mistaken for two deadly female brunette assassins known only as the Cat and the Kit whom are hired to kill the club owner whom is a mobster in a witness protection program. With two persistent, but inept, FBI agents on their tail, the ditsy Dee and Dawn try to stay one step head of the law, as well as try to figure out what is really going on.

Valentine's Day 1988: At the school dance, geeky Jeremy Melton bravely faces one rejection after the other when asking four popular girls to dance with him. A fifth girl, plump and insecure, agrees, but they end up making out under the bleachers. When a group of school bullies catches them, the girl claims that Jeremy attacked her. This causes them to strip off his clothes and beat him up in front of the entire school. Flash forward to 2001. We meet the five girls who were in that school gym: Kate, Paige, Shelly, Lily and the formerly plump Dorothy. They are all in their 20's now and trying to sort out their love lives, which is appropriate, since Valentine's Day is coming up. After a disastrous date with a loser, one of the girls, a pre-med student, is murdered by a Cherub-mask wearing killer who sent her a death threat in the form of a Valentine card prior to the attack...