Homeless veteran Bob 'Drillbit' Taylor manages to enjoy life anyhow and even saves some cash for his dream, an 'all-paid' move to Alaska, even if that may take many years. His dream comes within reach when clever nerd Wade, has fat friend Ryan 'T-dog' and cocky shrimp Jim, all new to junior high-school, are bullied so badly by emancipated Filkins and his buddies that they advertise for a bodyguard. Only Drillbit seems affordable and not crazy, so he's hired and drains their pocket-money and home content. He's clueless how to protect them but gives them (bogus) self-defense classes.

Henry is a young FBI agent. During a three-year absence from his home in Shreveport, his mother Marty loses more than 100 pounds, looks great, and to Henry's embarrassment, has become a party animal. Within a day of Henry's returning home with his fiancée, Emily, who's an FBI profiler, Marty meets Tommy, a suave foreigner. He's posing as a consultant, but he's an international art thief, in town to steal "Mother and Son," a Bernini sculpture. Henry is detailed to head a team keeping his mom's new boyfriend under surveillance. Love, law enforcement, and filial devotion are set to collide.

In Passaic, NJ, Elroy Fletcher runs a video store in a condemned building he claims was the birthplace of Fats Waller. Fletcher goes on a Waller centennial trip, leaving his foster son Mike in charge of the store. Mike's peculiar friend Jerry tries to sabotage a power station and nearly electrocutes himself, getting magnetized in the process. He inadvertently erases every tape in the store. Mike and Jerry hatch an plan to hide the disaster by making a homemade "Ghostbusters" to rent to a woman whom Fletcher will be phoning to check on them. Soon, with help, their homemade versions of films develop a cult following. Will this new business save the store and the building? What about Fats?

The story centers on a small-town sheriff who witnesses what he believes is a kidnapping and rushes to rescue a woman. The kidnappers turn out to be FBI agents assigned to protect her and deliver her to a big Enron-type corruption trial in Chicago but are later found to be on the take and are villains who are bent on killing her.